There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Nothing really mattress.
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
Can February March? No. But April May.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Your good seed for the day.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
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