A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
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