What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
My text tone is adorable! Message me, so you can hear it.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
You look like trash, may I take you out?
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Seas the day!
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Nice beach balls, can I play?
I'm fondue you, it's true
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
I “lub” you.
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