What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
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