Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I can be your travel pillow.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
He threw three free throws.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
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