There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
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