Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
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