“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
My love for you is like no otter.
Best in snow.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
You are my density!
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
"Time wounds all heels."
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
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