What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
There’s snow one like you.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Sleigh, what?!
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
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