What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.

Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.

What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.

Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn

What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!

The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.

If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

Me: When is your birthday?

She: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.

My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney

I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.

How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.

My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.

What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.

What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.

Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.

Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.

Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.

I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey

It’s a beautiful Degas!

What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....

What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!

What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.