The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
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