What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Do you like free samples?
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
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