Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
I think my heart just lagged.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But I don't care
Cause I'm leaving you.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Bookworms take shelfies.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
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