George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
You’re my #1 pick.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
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