How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
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