How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
"Aloe you vera much."
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
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