If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
You feta have a gouda birthday.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
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