What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
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