If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Books are my kind of texts.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
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