It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested

Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.

Did I Elijah’st fall in love?

What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.

Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.

his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

The direction fields of my heart all point to you.

What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.

“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett

I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.

Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.

“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous

I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?

“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan

Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!

What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.

I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.

What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!

I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.

Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.

Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!

A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.

Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.

Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.

I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.

Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.

What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.

Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.

What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad

Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.

Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.

What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!

“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”

Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.

What should you wear before driving?

The correct gear.

When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.

How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.

If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?