The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
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