Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Your treat or mine?
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
"Rosé all day."
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
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