What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
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