Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.

What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!

Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.

What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.

When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.

My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.

Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.

What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!

What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.

Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.

Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”

I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!

What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.

“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”

- Erma Bombeck.

There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.

Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.

Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!

When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.

Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.

"Great minds drink alike."

When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Time fries when you’re having fun!

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.

Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

She has high elf-esteem.

Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky

What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"

You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?

Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.