I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
I eat eel while you peel eel
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
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