you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
She has high elf-esteem.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
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