A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
I whale always love you.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Go to BabaMail
