What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief

What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.

Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.

Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.

Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.

Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.

“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”

My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres

If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.

“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”

- H. L. Mencken.

“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.

What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.

You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.

I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.

I’ve been getting blitzed all game

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."

I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.

A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.

He must belong to an extreme mist organization.

Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.

While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.

What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”

What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.

I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.

The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!

Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”

My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.

What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.