Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
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