Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Baby, you rock my world!
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Fir sure.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
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