What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
"Hey there, hop stuff."
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"Bugs and hisses."
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
Case in punt
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
I could never Passover you.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
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