Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
"Great minds drink alike."
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
You looked better when I was drunk.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
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