Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Feeling fintastic.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
How Rudolf you to say that!
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Better read than dead.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Are you a red light because stop.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
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