What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
You’re like the perfect audition piece: rare, beautiful, and extremely worth it.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"You can't sip with us."
There’s no trick in these pants.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
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