What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
"It's not me, it's you!"
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
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