You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
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