My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
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