You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.

Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.

Looks like I Andrew the winning card today

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.

Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.

Is it a full moon? Because I feel a tidal pull toward your heavenly body.

As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.

Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.

One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

Hold on for deer life.

How to tell a car it has gained weight?

‘You have got Fiat.’

I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.

Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!

“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown

Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.

What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it

How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.

What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.

Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."

How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.

I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.

I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.

What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!

What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.

These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!

What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Howie.

Howie who?

Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?

I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.

My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.

Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.