If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
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