I have no shelf control.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Go to BabaMail
