Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
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