If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell

Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania

Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.

“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown

My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest

How about we get down to monkey business?

What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.

What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.

I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.

Remember to stop and smell the rosé.

Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.

Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.

What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.

I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.

Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew

"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton

Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.

Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.

So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.

How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!

Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.

My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.