I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
You’re more special than relativity.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
People are always after me lucky charms.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
You’re my lucky charm.
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