It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
"I'm nuts about you."
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Leaf me alone.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
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