Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I'm just missing your phone number.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
I love you so fairy much.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
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