What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
I’m rooting for you!
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
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