You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Go big or go gnome.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
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