Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
I came here looking for a little tail.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
I'm fondue you, it's true
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
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