“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
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