I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
The pint’s the limit.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
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