Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Can February March? No. But April May.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz