Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.