"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
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