Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
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