My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Only a**holes use bidets.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
All farts...are laughing gas.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.