Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.