I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.