Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
All farts...are laughing gas.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.