This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.