What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Only a**holes use bidets.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"