What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.