Medical Jokes

Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Three Injured Soldiers
A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to visit them. After reviewing the troops on parade he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers. The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "And how are you treating that?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy Sir!" Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?" "Genital warts, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy, Sir!" Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier. "And why are you here?" "Gum disease, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To beat these other two to the wire brush, Sir!"
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.