What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."