I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.