What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.