A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.