Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.