My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny