My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.