How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.