Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.