What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."