My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.