Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.