I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”