What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.