My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.