I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"